YOu in spired me
00:00:00
This new AlphaBrü is pretty intense, man.
Of course it’s intense. They added a whole nother divorce.
There’s a screaming eagle on the can.
If you drink three, you get custody anxiety.
May cause podcast.
They added two more R’s in Brü.
Contains bench-press residue.
Sponsored by unresolved fatherhood.
A talking supplement salesman told me to drink this once.
Fight your therapist and lose.
Contains Himalayan grief salt.
Loading… masculinity patch failed.
Hair of the tradwife.
Official drink of men who call moisturiser “chemical warfare.”

00:00:33
Lead as if your feelings depend on it.
Oh, the guy from a cancelled hunting show promotes this now.
What’s Vitamin XXY?
Remember nothing. Lift everything.
The factory where they make this used to be a Bass Pro Shop courtroom.
This flavour is Custody Battle Citrus.
Never be vulnerable again.
What’s Vitamin Donkey?
Therapy Imminent.
Made from boot leather and comment sections.
A tooth in every tin.
Try our newest flavour: Raw Egg Nationalism.
You can taste the alimony.
Made by Raytheon Wellness.
Legend says if you mix it with Red Bull, it summons a life coach named Brantley.
Apparently, the scientist who made this still owes child support.

00:01:10
Extract of abandoned CrossFit.
This was originally pre-workout for riot police.
Preferred beverage of men who say “females” too much.
Gojira? No — Brojira.
Wait, this is just a powdered restraining order.
Is this not every can?
Prison wine without the prison… yet.
Inflammable masculinity.
Wait, is that the good one or the bad one?
Official drink of the Area 51 Facebook event.
May cause insurrection, podcasting, or sudden interest in Roman statues.
Essence of bar fight.
May cause reverse empathy.
Contains soul — removed for your comfort.
Contains violence.
Wait a second. This is solid!
Yeah. AlphaBrü Brick.
You eat it with a tactical fork and knife.

00:01:44
Oh, it automatically subscribed me to a manosphere newsletter when I bought it.
There’s a five-hour grievance in every can.
May cause crypto.
Preferred drink of the emotionally constipated.
Try Anal—
Whoa.
Apparently, it’s not brewed. They mine it.
Jump-starts male pattern panic.
Have you ever punched a mirror and blamed feminism?
AlphaBrü will return in Avengers: Divorce Court.
Yeah. Who isn’t?
Causes 3d6 of psychic damage.
Contains creatine, caffeine, hot sauce, and one deleted Rogan episode.
Murder fuel? No. Brand Loyalty Fuel.
Blackout in three… two…